Recognize

Well I've had enough
Of these selfish crimes
I hurt myself again
Not knowing why
It seems so easy
To leave it all behind
And avoid the truth I think I'd rather just go blind

Then everything erupts
My life has come unglued
And the ties that bind have left me
What am I to do?

Can't seem to recognize
That stare behing those eyes
Who is this man I see?
Who's looking back at me?
Can't focus through the grey
And I am fading into nothing
The reflection must get clearer

I think I'm cracking up
Like I've lost my mind
I hurt myself again
Still don't know why
I end up the same way
Each and every time
I can't avoid the truth
There's just nowhere to run and hide

Can't seem to recognize
That stare behing those eyes
Who is this man I see?
Who's looking back at me?
Can't focus through the grey
And I am fading into nothing
The reflection must get clearer than it appears to be right now

There must be somone I can see....
There's gotta be something for me
Show it now, let it go free
I know it's there waiting on me
Let it out, let it go free

Can't seem to recognize
That stare behing those eyes
Who is this man I see?
Who's looking back at me?
Can't focus through the grey
And I am fading into nothing
The reflection must get clearer

- Flaw (2005)

Chris Volz is a man full of pain. His adoptive mother committed suicide when he was 12 years old, pretty much leaving him all alone in this world. It could be safe to assume that the pain from the loss of his mother (which is evident in some of his lyrics) has contributed greatly to his struggles with alcohol. His struggles with alcohol and substance abuse have led to him being directly responsible for the breakup of 2 bands (including Flaw). It is the struggles that seem to be on display here in this song.

As with all things, the generality of the lyrics sow a tie that binds a thread that is common in many people. I myself have never really had a problem with alcohol or substance abuse (although I may have been skirting the edge when I was in the Air Force - but that's another song). Where my struggles have come is from emotional pain brought on by stresses that went beyond the normal. Let's just say that in years 16 and 17 of my life I was not in a very good place. It seemed to be everywhere I turned I had no one I could trust and the person I had been to that point was being quickly killed off to become someone whom I wouldn't trust.

I remember after one particularly bad day I was in my bathroom. I looked in the mirror to check my face and just couldn't believe what I saw. I didn't recognize myself at all. Aside from the sudden weight loss that left me looking emaciated, my eyes revealed a darkness thrashing for release. I was a little scared as I had never seen that before. The worst part was I knew I was being pushed in that direction and every time I tried to resist, I was pushed harder. All the crap that I was enduring was slowly building to a head and I needed a way to release or something was going to blow.

Let's just say that I was able to find that release. Instead of a one-time banger, it was like someone had loosened the valve and the steam was slowly escaping. On the other end I came out with a beautiful girlfriend and a new outlook on life.

This song resonates with me because when I first heard the song, I remembered that night I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the direction I was heading. I didn't recognize myself and the ties that bind for me had definitely come unglued. I was lucky in that I found a bit of salvation, but I understand that not everyone is so fortunate.

Well, Mardi, here is one that means a lot to me. What do you think?